WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
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My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
courtroom exchange of the day
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
and now we wait