WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
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If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Is this a threat?
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
water it, i dare you
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer: