WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
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[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?