Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
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I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?