Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
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me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to