Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
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Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
lmfao
Möther may I have a snäck
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Quadruple digit IQ
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no