Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
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I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo