wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
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The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Me irl
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”