wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
You Might Also Like
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.