Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
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Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
No. He’s not coming out to play
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”