What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
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I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge