Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
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Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.