WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
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I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up