WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
You Might Also Like
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese