Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
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Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.