Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
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[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.