Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
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*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Kidney stones? Hard pass