WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
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*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Me irl
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update