wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
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Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Just had my nails done!
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something