wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
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If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED