Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
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DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.