WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
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Good morning!
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.