Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
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Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
plums roundup
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me: