wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
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*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt