wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
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DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
The A string on my guit_r is flat
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.