Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
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Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match