Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
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A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.