Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
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She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
peak technology
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…