WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
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Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Friday
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool