WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
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“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”