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Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere