im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
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What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.