We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
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Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
(True)
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.