WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
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“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.