WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
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At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”