Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
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Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
we’re dead?
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.