WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
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Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming