Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
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Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.