Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
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me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
me 2 months after i graduated
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.