wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
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My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Every haunted house movie: