wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
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Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
I will never stop laughing at this
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast