[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
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[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Yep.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.