wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
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How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
synchronized noseblowing
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”