WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
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“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Do one person every day that scares you.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
I’m already scared
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts