WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
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There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.