Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
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I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.