wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
You Might Also Like
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route