wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
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I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic