Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
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ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Camping tip: No.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him