Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
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You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
This pepper has seen some shit
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion