Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
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my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
How high do the levels go?
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off